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Talking is Important
Today was a bid day for my division.
We had a big change for our projects.
It seems sad for everybody to change their position or what they are doing.
Actually it was not the first time to change their positions.
But this time, I was the one who made the decision mostly, and I think I came up the best decision.
I was really careful how to tell them this time.
I took some of my colleagues to lunch and talked individual before tell big change in a group.
And tried to encourage them to think this change optimistically.
And they followed me.
And this is a bee I found on a ground on the way back to work from lunch.
I went to dinner with colleagues to talk more after the group talk.
Everybody gets afraid of changes.
They have so many questions to me.
I tried to answer everything.
I felt, I wish I had somebody who can answer all my questions too.
I am afraid of changes too, personally.
So much pressure and I even want to vomit.
I answered all their questions, but who knows if I am right.
I even don’t know…
But I can tell that thinking, talking and discussing is very important.
It is sometimes tiring, but I don’t want to give up.
I feel very comfortable being with my teammates lately.
They are becoming good partners.
Sadly, I can’t trust them 100%, but still I feel comfortable being with them, and it is very important for me to feel this way now.
Because this is very important time for me in my life.
Ah, I had nice dinner.
Ate too much a bit, though…
Wow...
Wow... it’s been three month since the last time I wrote.
I feel like it has been like a year or more.
For this three month, I had so many different experiences.
Good and bad. Worst and best.
If I write all of them here now, it will be such a long entry, so I won’t.
Anyway, I finally feel like starting this blog again.
Now I am happy, because now I know what I am doing and what I will do in near future.
I woke up at 5 in this morning with my heart beating so fast.
Somehow, I was that exited to start my week today.
It sounds crazy, and it had never happened before so I was surprised myself.
I came up a really good idea last night, and I was thinking to work on writing report this morning.
And actually it was so much fun for me to work today whole day.
Sometimes I HATE working, but sometimes I get crazy on working.
I know I don’t want to work forever, but I want to do my best now.
I get on elevator to go up to my room.
Sometimes I have to wait a while.
I know what I want the best by what I am thinking while I am waiting for the elevator.
Sometimes I think nothing, which means that I don’t want anything.
Sometimes I think about my family, my boyfriend, and lately I think about my work a lot.
To be honest, this job is not what I really want to do to live, but I have to.
I have to get something big soon, so I have to get really good result now before I leave.
It is my life, but I have to care what other people think about my life.
Not only for me, but also for my family.
Complicated.
I felt miserable about it before, but now I am happy because at least I can get excited about what I am doing right now.
I don’t know how long this feeling would last…
By the way, this is a picture of Quiche, which is French dish.
Quiche is one of projects which I am working on.
I like this project the second.
Tasting quiches is horrible for a girl who wants to loose weight…
Anyway.
Kinda feel good to write.
I gotta get up early tomorrow again.
Lazy and Goofy
Somehow, I was so depressed today.
I woke up and did not feel like doing anything.
So I decided to stay in a bed, and whenever I got hungry, I ate popcorn and chocolates.
I got my computer in my bed, and surf the Internet.
What an awful way to spend my holiday!
I know it is not good to spend my holiday like a sick person, but I had zero energy.
I talked with my trusty friend, Masaru on a phone for more than an hour.
He is a guy whom I can talk all about me, and he is a good listener.
We talked a lot about our lives, and after I talked with him, I could not stop thinking about my life.
This is why I don’t like to have a lazy and goofy day off.
I got totally depressed.
I sometimes feel that I am crushed by worries and pressures.
Does everyone feel like how I feel?
I should not have spent my day off by myself…
If I keep running and if I don’t have time to think about my life, I did not have to get depressed.
But today, I was physically so tired, and made me realize that I am luck of my confidence about what I am doing.
Although I kept eating like that I can be a super-size woman easily, I got hungry at night.
I drove to my sister’s apt again tonight, and asked her to feed me.
I ate dinner, took a nap, took a bath and came home.
Okay, now I stop being so weak.
My new week will start tomorrow!
I can do it, I can do it, I can do it!!
How To Live My Life
To have this smoke from this big pot to the part of me which I want to change helps me, it says.
Well, where should I change?
I have not written this blog for a while.
Actually while I was not written this blog, my life has been changed dramatically.
Life is so interesting because it has never the same.
Of course everyday is different, but sometime, you see totally unexpected thing happen on one day of your life.
Unexpected thing sometime makes me realize something.
For me, I finally could find a clear vision of my life.
I had been not sure what I should do in my future.
I tend to choose the easy way to go.
On the other hand, I always wanted to answer all the expectation to me from somebody.
I have cared how other people see me too much.
I realize that the most important thing is to love myself not trying to be love by somebody.
This is a picture of me, no make up on…
I don’t usually like to be taken pictures when I don’t have make-up.
However, it was not too bad to keep this kind of picture as a memory.
Actually, I made a big big decision lately.
I am still not sure if I choose the right way to go.
I talked with lots of people, and they say many different things.
Nobody knows what is right and what is wrong.
So I just need to believe what I have chosen.
People would think that I am crazy or stupid, but I am sure that I would be very happy.
I hope the next stage of my life will be a great one.
I am moving on!
Those Days
I had an opportunity to be with little kids the other day.
They are brothers from Denver.
I have known them since the time I was in Denver.
It was funny to see how shy they were when they first see people.
I understand their reaction, and I even feel jealous that they can show their shyness.
They can hide behind their parents.
But kids are great, because they can get along with anybody after a bit later they show their shyness.
I always wish that I don’t have to feel nervous when I first see someone.
I am shy, although I try not to be so hard.
Now I sometimes do sales job, and I think myself that my face looks too serious because I try too hard to hide my shyness.
I want to remember the days that I could get along with any situation.
She is 2 years old.
I can’t remember what I was thinking when I was two.
At this young age, dropping these cherries is such a big deal.
For us, it is not a big deal at all, but it is as big deal as our problems now as an adult.
I felt that I don’t want to look their worries too small.
For them, small things are big worries in their life ever,
Young kids are very emotional.
At our age, we think lots of difficult things and make everything very complicated.
Being emotional as an adult tend to be believed a bad thing.
We could be more honest about stuff.
Kids are so pure and I want to remember the days that I was so pure and want to be honest about my life.
It was nice to be with those kids and made me remember the old days.
Who Am I?
There is "May Sick" in Japan.
"May sick" is a sick business people get in May, wondering about their jobs.
I think I get that sick now, although it is still April now.
I want to leave my work now.
I got promoted in April and since then, I have been tired of trying to deal something too hard for me to solve.
Now wondering what is the point to pretend that I can do something difficult although I can't do it easily.
Whenever I talk with someone, I tend to think about my job and feel jealous, and I hate to see the ugly side of me like that.
When I visit my friend who is married, I feel jealous.
When my married friends show their jealous to me, I feel "Why?"
When I talk with someone who is still a student, I feel jealous.
When they tell me that they feel jealous about me having full of energy, I feel "What?"
When I talk with elder people, I feel jealous that they can do everthing really well.
When they say I am talented, I feel even embarrased.
Now I really feel who knows real me.
This is something I have felt since I was little.
I think I have concentrated on doing more than I can do to make people feel impressed about me.
Now I feel lonely that I can't show real me, and I even don't know what is real me even...
This is one of projects I am deal now at work.
I think I work really hard to make this project success, but it doen't go like I plan.
People deal this project really slow.
Hard for me to pursue them, and to be honest, I don't know why I have to use my energy to pursue them.
I want to use this energy to success this project more.
My private life is the same way.
It does not go like I plan.
Then what's the point to make plans?
Tonight at dinner, people said they can't make a plan when to die and how to die.
It is so true, and I get loss what I am doing right now...
I think I should re-set my plan about my life.
I was not sure if I should write this personaly thing on this blog, but I decided to put on.
Hoping that I can laugh at this entry when I get over this problem.
And I think I should remember what and how I think when I facr to my turning point.
It is hard now to think about this kind of stuff, too difficult.
But I know that I will be much stronger after I go through this difficult situation.
I went to dinner with colleagues to talk more after the group talk.
