Lazy Lazy Day

In My Dream

I had such a lazy day today.
I slept in which is my favorite thing to do.
In the afternoon, I finally decided to take a shower and left to massage place.
it felt really really good so I went home and decided to spent the rest of my day in my bed.

Somehow since last night, whenever I sleep, I had dreams about my ex-boyfriend.
It did not mean that I miss him, but maybe because I saw his wedding picture at our common friend's house the other day.

These dream made me think of him.
He was my first love when I was 13 years old.
When I saw the pictures, I did not get jealous but felt weired that I was not next to him.
We had been frends since I felt in love with him, and we started dating when I was 18 for four years.
We were such a cute couple, always fooled around and did lots of things together.
At the same time, he controled me so I did not have my own life by myself.
I did not have any other experience besides him, and moreover, I was really young at that time.
At the end, I thought he was the most annoying person because he bossed me around.
I was pretty bad at the end and our break-up was pretty mess.

After we broke up and after each of us got a new boyfriend/girlfriend, I realized that he loved me so much, so we cheated on each other's pertner.
But we did not get back together.
And after a couple years I left to the US, but we still kept in touch.
And during my stay in the US, he gave me a chance saying that he would wait for me till I go back.
I was thinking about it a bit but I got another boyfriend, which made him very upset.
I might thought he would love me forever whatever I do, but nothing lasts forever.
He finally gave up on me and now he got married with the girl he dated after me.
I think he made the right decision though.

I wonder if I can find a guy who would love me like he did to me in my life.
If I find one, I promise that I would not feel annoying about him!!
I really miss the days we had fun together.
When you are young, you can do anything, so when you are in a relationship, you can get excited more than we can do now.

Humm, I don't know, but I just felt like writing about my old boyfriend today.

Small Sweets

Slow Monday

Monday is usually the busiest day of a week.
However, it was kinda slow today.
Very nice!!
Today is the first day of December in Japan.
Wow, time goes so fast...
Year 2008 will be over sooooooon. Nooooooo!!!!

What's new today...
Let's see... I decided to wear glasses much more from today.
I love glasses, have a lot and I just bought 2 pairs of glasses yesterday.
Still feel more comfortable wearing contact lenses even when I am sleeping.
However, lately my eyes hurt.
I will try to care my eyes for a while although I am not sure how long it will last.

I was thinking about relationship tonight in a bathtub.
Why is it so difficult and complicated?
And why do people mean to someone whom they love when they are in a relationship?
People are sometimes so cruel...
Men sometimes become cunning fellows and women are shrewd.
It is so random but somehow it was my topic at my bath time tonight.
Maybe because I figured out a shocking fact about my past today...
Hummmmmm.

BTW, the picture above is small sweets I decorate on my desk at my office lately.
I know it is too much, but cute, isn't it?

Good Start or Bad Start?

At the beginning of 30s

This is a flower I got last night and brought it to office in Tokyo.
Halloween flower, cute, but not my style...
Today was also my birthday in the US because of time difference.
Many of my friends from America sent me birthday e-mail, even from someone whom I have not kept in touch for years.
Still I did not get e-mail from my boyfriend and I got really worried about him with thinking something must have happened to him.
I did not think that he would forget my birthday.
So I called, and we broke up.
I just got so shocked that he even did not remember my birthday and broke up with me on my birthday.
Not upset, but surprised, well, more than surprise.
That’s how much he cared about me…shit…
I had a feeling that he was not happy about our relationship, but I was pretending not to realize.
I thought that efforts would do something.
I wanted to keep this relationship because I needed him for my mental.
We have known each other for 4 years, but we live far away each other for 3 and a half years.
I did not mind the distance because I could see him quite often, but it did not work for him.
I think it was not only because of the distance, though.

Relationship is difficult.
I really had a fate that we would be together for good in the future somehow.
I don’t know why, but I strongly thought so…
It was so much fun to be with him.
He is silly boy, but very charming and funny.
It was so much fun to fool around with him.
He is sensitive and freak out a lot.
So I had to treat him carefully.
He loves freedom AND so he is free.
But at the end of our relationship, it seems like he tried really hard for our relationship.
He tried hard to understand my situation and compromised.
So I blame on myself about not trying harder.
I loved him more than anybody, but I was not a good girlfriend who could be with him when he needed.

We were on and off for 4 years, but seems like we are now completely over.
I am sad, but at the same time I feel relieved.
I loved him but it was painful for me to have him in the US with thinking about my work and future.
I am not capable for caring about others now.

God is saying that,
“Now is the time you should concentrate on working and see what you really want in the future”
I agree.
I thought it was horrible that this happened on my birthday at first.
However, now I am positive about this.
I can start from zero when I turned to 30, so maybe this was not the bad start of 30’s but good start.
I will definitely work really hard from now on and will make my dream come true.
Still I will not give up working in the US soon, and will live how I want.

I am so satisfied with having many types of relationships with one person.
No more regret with him.

No more boyfriend, but me myself from tomorrow.
Sounds miserable? Not really.
Anyway it was a big day…

The Right Person

Who Is The Right Person For Me?

I went to work this morning.
I have to go to work every weekends lately…Bummer…
After I went to work, I went to Spa.
I think I should stop going to spa this often, but when I am at the spa, I can get relaxed.

Today I was going to hang out with my sis, but I totally forgot about other appointments.
I got call from Shinsuke and he wanted to make sure if I am coming to see him and his colleagues.
“Shooot!” He mentioned about the dinner thing 2 weeks ago and reminded me today!
I totally forgot about so I felt guilty but I canceled an appointment with my sis.
Recently I forget many things…

Before going to the dinner, I stopped by my apt and checked my e-mail.
And I was shocked by e-mail from my ex boyfriend.
The e-mail was basically about him being worried if I am trying to get back with him.
I was very surprised because I could not figure out what made him to get worried, and I felt sorry to make him worry.
I am a person who keep in touch with all my ex boyfriends because I was in a deep relationship with each of them, and they are important to me.
I was in love in them so much, that’s why I still want them to be a part of my life with a different type of good relationship after breakups, is it weird?

Afterwards, I was thinking that maybe the ex got worried because I have not been in a serious relationship since we broke up.
As I am busy and had no luck, I haven’t had much opportunity to see someone new.
Also I can’t feel, “Oh, this is THE guy!” to anybody lately.

So at the dinner, we were talking about “How to meet THE guy”.
One guy told me that first I should analyze what kind of person I want to be with.
When I was young, I wanted to date with cute looking guy who is more than 20 cm higher than my height and funny and gentle…etc
To find THE guy when I was young was easy.
Now I don’t care about looking, but inside!
It was kinda fun to analyze them and to discuss about them.
It was fun to listen to other people’s opinions about what they want their girlfriends have too.
Girls’ perspective and boy’s perspective are a bit different.

Here are what important to me.
1. Someone who loves his family and will love my family.
2. Someone who let me do what I really care without bothering me.
3. Someone who is sincere, not a liar.
4. Someone who has a big dream for his life.

Boy’s opinions were
1. Someone who can cook well.
2. Someone who understands what I am doing and does not complain.
3. Someone who has the same hobby.
4. Someone who can share the same space with doing different things.

He said if the points you find a person who clears these points, you should go for it.
We were at the restaurant for 4hours and a half.
Except Shinsuke, I had never seen them, but they were quite interesting people.