MY LIFE

Who Am I?

There is "May Sick" in Japan.
"May sick" is a sick business people get in May, wondering about their jobs.
I think I get that sick now, although it is still April now.
I want to leave my work now.
I got promoted in April and since then, I have been tired of trying to deal something too hard for me to solve.
Now wondering what is the point to pretend that I can do something difficult although I can't do it easily.
Whenever I talk with someone, I tend to think about my job and feel jealous, and I hate to see the ugly side of me like that.
When I visit my friend who is married, I feel jealous.
When my married friends show their jealous to me, I feel "Why?"
When I talk with someone who is still a student, I feel jealous.
When they tell me that they feel jealous about me having full of energy, I feel "What?"
When I talk with elder people, I feel jealous that they can do everthing really well.
When they say I am talented, I feel even embarrased.
Now I really feel who knows real me.
This is something I have felt since I was little.
I think I have concentrated on doing more than I can do to make people feel impressed about me.
Now I feel lonely that I can't show real me, and I even don't know what is real me even...

This is one of projects I am deal now at work.
I think I work really hard to make this project success, but it doen't go like I plan.
People deal this project really slow.
Hard for me to pursue them, and to be honest, I don't know why I have to use my energy to pursue them.
I want to use this energy to success this project more.
My private life is the same way.
It does not go like I plan.
Then what's the point to make plans?
Tonight at dinner, people said they can't make a plan when to die and how to die.
It is so true, and I get loss what I am doing right now...

I think I should re-set my plan about my life.
I was not sure if I should write this personaly thing on this blog, but I decided to put on.
Hoping that I can laugh at this entry when I get over this problem.
And I think I should remember what and how I think when I facr to my turning point.
It is hard now to think about this kind of stuff, too difficult.
But I know that I will be much stronger after I go through this difficult situation.